| Whenever I'm alone with you, You make me feel like I am whole again... |
[Apr. 22nd, 2004|07:32 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  distressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | 311 // Love Song | ] |
So..its been forever long since I have entered an entry in here. Only because everything that has been going on in my life is so personal that I don't want it out on the web for everyone's eyes to see...but lets see..an update:
- So right now I'm having to decide what I'm going to do...stay at brethren or go to a different school. I'm getting pulled in two different directions..I know that no matter what, one group of my friends are gona get mad at me..Either friends from trabuco, or friends from brethren..i mean what am i supposed to do? I guess just do whatever makes ME happy...but that i just don't know cause theres good things about brethren that I love soo much. but theres always that thing inside me thats saying "go to a new school..meet new people, get out of this little private school bubble." I don't know..its all up in the air at this point in time.
-Softball officially sucks. Tuesday I got in a huge fight with mrs nix and I was yelling at her saying I was done and that I was through with softball..I really was going to quit...but she talked to my mom for like an hour and my mom won't let me quit. She says that I'm not a quitter and I'm not the type of person just to give up when things get hard or they aren't going my way. I dont know..I guess im going to have to stick with it for awhile...theres only 3 more weeks left anyways.
-School is another story. I got my report card..and realized how lazy I have become..my grades are slipping..Freshman year I tried a lot more..and my grades show it, but this year..things have gotten so much harder..and I have like given up. I could care less..I should care though cause this is the year that counts for college and stuff. But I just don't...
- Church..haven't really been going..have pretty much drifted from all my church friends and my responsibility at the church..its hard to go because I'm so busy with other things. I wish I didn't...but its hard sometimes.
-Curfew is getting harder and harder to keep..I've been coming home a lot later than 12 lately and my mom has been getting really upset at me for it..been grounded for awhile...but i still manage to do things.
-i've been really confused about this one thing. At times I miss it soo much..but other times I don't, and I tell myself that I just don't need that in my life right now. But when I really start to think about it, I know I can't live without it..I need it..but I just don't know what to do...like always.
I'm gona go do homework...maybe i'll write later..since I haven't lately.
<333. |
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| come on sweet catastrophe... |
[Mar. 28th, 2004|10:39 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  chipper | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Something Corporate // Hurricane | ] |
Life is good...like really good. It really is what you make it...you just can't let things get to you and bring you down..because if you do, then your life sucks. but yeah..i had a great week and weekend.
Thursday: went to FOOLS the play..but it was boring, so..me, candice, amy, and kim all left..and did other things lol. but we got in trouble for it anyways and me and amy were told we had to go another day to make up for it. so yeah..
Friday: had that chemistry field trip thing...had fun with jenelle and amy..and joel i guess you could say. Joel and Jenelle...perfect couple? to me it seems...no matter the circumstance they always seem to overcome it. they're so cute too...
Saturday: i played soccer with all the guys..it was so much fun. like seriously I didnt think i would have fun, but I really did...even though they were yelling at me the whole time telling me what to do. And then I went to the play...me and amy actually watched it this time lol..and to our suprise it was SORTA funny. but yeah...then afterwards, I went to Peter's bonfire bday bash thing. That was fun...boys will be boys..but other than that..it was tons of fun.
Today: i went to church and went to concert for compassion with Jon. It was A LOT of fun, besides getting stuck next to a really fat sweaty guy for like an hour..but yeah i had fun.
My parents are starting to call my PRINCESS..its weird, and i hate it..I dont even wanna bother to ask why they are calling me that..but whatever.
I'm really starting to like being single..like I used to think it was a drag, but its good...keeping my options open..lol..and yeah.
<333. |
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| I'm miserable...Believe this if nothing else: I'm true to my word. |
[Mar. 22nd, 2004|07:04 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Normal Like You // My Intentions | ] |
I'm kinda confused about things right now.
When I didn't decide between my personal morals and losing a friend...its like someone made the decision for me. I ended up not doing anything...which was good in the fact that I didn't have to lose a friend out of it...but yet, what the person did wasn't right..and I just sat back and let them do it. which in my eyes, is still wrong. I let them do wrong even though I knew it was...But I dont know...cause I just didn't want to get involved...In the end I know God will take care of it...at least I hope.
Shoreline people have been on my mind a lot lately. I miss them a lot...like I always wonder how they are doing..but if I get a chance to talk to them like online or something...I just can't..I don't know why. Things are awkward between us now...we've grown apart and have changed so much. I feel like I'm still the same person...but they aren't. Like, everyday on the way to school...I drive past Shoreline...and this morning my mom was like "You always look longingly there...like you're looking for something. What are you looking at?" It's not that I'm looking at one thing in particular...it just feels like home there. I don't know why...maybe because I've spent 10 years there as a kid everyday..But it's just like I'm passing by...and I feel like I'm missing something...I wonder what it would be like if I had gone to FVHS or EHS...would I still hang out with them? Would we still be so close of friends that we still talked on a daily basis? I wish we still did...and I wish I had gone to FV or Edison...But then I wouldn't have met the great people at Brethren..But even though I love the people @ Brethren..Its hard to compare that friendship to a friendship of almost 10 years... I don't know if anyone understands.. at least I feel like no one does.
Ok, so about the cat story...so Jon ran over it..and killed it...but like yesterday, me and him are driving back to my house (sounds dangerous, huh?) well, we're driving back...and there's now signs up that say "LOST WHITE CAT REWARD $150" with some phone number. Ok, so when i saw the sign..I just sank into my seat. I feel horrible... I know the right thing is probably to call the family and tell them..But its too heartbreaking. Although, I'd probably want to know if it was my cat.. I dunno though...It's just sooo sad :(
I think I'm too in love with the past. I always wish things were back to the way they used to be...either with school, friends, and boyfriends. heh..especially boys. I so wish things would have just worked out...then my life would have been perfect.
<333. |
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| I found a reason for me to change who I used to be. A reason to start over new and the reason is YOU |
[Mar. 20th, 2004|08:23 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | guilty | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Hoobastank // The Reason | ] |
Haven't written in awhile...
Softball = dumbest thing ever. Mrs Nix is such a freakin RUGMUNCHER..ugh i hate her so much. The shit she says is always pointless..and condescending. And it pisses me of like no other. She can tell too...cause shes always talking to me after games and practices and shit saying "I get no response from you..its like you're not listening to me." Its true. who wants to listen to her? ugh..
This week has been really hard for me...I'm having to choose between my personal morals and losing a friend. I just don't know what to do...Do I stick to what I think is right or do i lose a friend out of it? Its just so hard...and I feel like I'm just running from it instead of facing it head on. And I know in the end I'm going to have to face it soon enough...I'm just so confused.
On a lighter note, BC Blitz was..ehhh...it was pretty fun at first...I enjoyed hanging out with all my bball friends as a team. I miss doing those kinds of things. But I got stuck teaching 8th graders...and some of the kids got held back a few times so..it was like teaching kids my own age. And it was pretty awkward... I felt like BC BLITZ was stupid...in a way because we are supposed to be helping out our community and to help witness to those who need Christ..but I was in the way. like the teacher was like "oh..well I guess you can teach.." and hands me the book...It was stupid...They need to think up different things to do instead of that.
And boys...man I don't understand them one bit. I finally get to the point where I can predict what they are going to do next...but I'm totally wrong. I wish I could be in their shoes for a day...
OH..most of you probably heard this from me already...but on wednesday...I was hanging out with Jon and we were out driving back to my house from the mall..and we were talking, so he was trying to give me eyecontact, but he wasn't watching the road..he insisted on watching me. So I was like "Jon, watch the road or you're gona hit something and crash" and hes like "No, I won't.." but then 5 minutes later...I hear this big THUMP..and I turn behind me and I see this white thing in the road...I was like "JON, STOP YOU HIT SOMETHING!" so I get out of the car and go look to see what he hit...and it was this white cat..and it was like shaking...it was sooo sad. I cried... :(
Till next time...
<333. |
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| But I'm trying. And I'm still dying to know...Say You Wont Leave For the Rest of My Life. |
[Mar. 14th, 2004|11:26 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Unwritten Law // Rest of My Life | ] |
I haven't written in awhile. And I have been debating whether or not I should write...but Derek wants me to..lol so I'll do it for him..
I have been really busy lately. with everything...
Softball is gay as usual. On Thursday we had practice...and i was fooling around and i got hit in the nose with the ball..and my nose was bleeding...The first time my nose ever bled. It kinda put me in shock..but whatever. That night i chilled with cheree and kim and cheree's boyfriend..fun stuff.
Friday..nothing really... I hate it when someone says they are gona call and then you are waiting around..waiting for them to call. and they don't. Its like they get your hopes up...just to bring you down. I hate it. but whatever. I went to a party and had a really fun time.
Saturday we had two softball games. which sucked for me. I was so not feeling well and i had to play the whole time..for both games, which wasnt very fun either. But I got through it...and we ended up winning the first game and losing in overtime on the second game.and then when I got home, I went out with some guys and chilled...didnt get home until late.
Today was another chill day. I went to church...and I had a serious talk with Adam. I guess he still had feelings for me...which I had no idea, because he had been dating this other girl. I like how he got his feelings out and confronted me about it. We talked it out, and everythings fine again. I'm glad we were able to talk...After that, I came home because I didnt have anything else to do..and then I went and shopped with my mom..and Then i went to Jon's house, and we came back to my place and baked a cake. OHHH my gosh hes hilarious. We were in my kitchen and he was dancing...hahahha. anyways.
So on friday, at the party..I met some guys..one in particular named Derek. He's in the marines....which is cool. He's leaving tomorrow...I don't really want him to go, but I kinda do. I have so much respect for him...like that hes willing to give up everything to serve his country. Which I think says a lot for his character..ya know? Like..He'd most likely be the type to give up everything even his own life for a girl..a friend..or his family..Which is something I really admire. Not to mention a guy in uniform..lol too bad hes leaving. he promised to call though...
So on thursday, I got the registration packet..to go back to Brethren next year...which is something I've been thinking about lately. Should I go stay? or should I go to a different school. Wherever I go my Junior year...is where I'm gona be going my Senior year. Every day I'm leaning more to a new school...just because theres stuff at brethren that I want to forget about. So i can move on...I dont know though.
Theres this stuff I know...stuff I have known for a long time. and before It never really occured to me how bad it was...until someone said something to me about it. and now...I dont know what to do. I want to do the right thing...but I dont know. And no one is helping me about it...it sucks.
im out.
<333. |
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| I think about you all the time. But I don't need the same. Its lonely where you are, Come back down. |
[Mar. 7th, 2004|11:00 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | lonely | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Goo Goo Dolls // Name | ] |
I was going to go to bed...but Ben called, and so now..I'm talking to him online. but anyways..
Today was more of the same thing as yesterday..didn't really do much...I went and had some dinner with Matt..cause i was feeling up to it..but afterwards it was all ehhh.. its so weird, i eat like a bite of something and i'm like full. but whatever..
So, I was thinking..this livejournal thing...I started up in like October because I needed something where I could let my feelings go...with no regrets...lol I had a livejournal in what was it 7th grade? Wow. those were the days. I remember...Coral and I got one because we wanted to copy Derek. Just because we enjoyed making fun of him..and we thought it would be cool to make comments and stuff lol. But now, I think these Livejournal things are soo stupid. because now everyone has one...just to be trendy? or whatever..its lame. I'm thinking about stopping...just because of that reason. I don't want to be a part of that journal club thing..so whatever...
Things are pretty rough in the lives of my ABS boys..and I feel horrible. I feel like I'm too involved in myself, to help them out...I'm trying my best to always be there for them, but its hard. I don't go to the same school as any of them..and when I don't go to church, I rarely ever see them anymore. I feel like im responsible for helping them get back to their normal lives...and sometimes I don't have the answers...I'd like to think I did..but I don't. And I feel bad for that too...its like your close friend is hurting, and you don't have any clue what you could say to make them feel better...its like nothing can make them feel better...I don't know..I just feel responsible.
But Jeff, he's been such an angel. He's helped out so much...and I don't think I could be ever so grateful. <3
Things between me and keith are over...I'm glad, because there was nothing really good out of that relationship..and I was just wasting my time. I was right about younger guys, they are no good. And i was stupid for not listening to my friends who told me he was no good...I never seem to listen..and I always end up making the mistake...
Manster is on espn. im gona go watch :)
this is probably gona be one of the last entries.
<3. |
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| And everything you said to me put me on my knees...its so hard to believe in you. |
[Mar. 6th, 2004|05:17 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  lethargic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Acceptance // Things You Say | ] |
I've been sick..since thursday...pretty sure I have the flu. Its not a great feeling, I'll just say that.
I went to school yesterday...and i was miserable the whole day..but I pushed through it. And then i went to softball practice..and I felt soo weak, it was horrible.. I did most of practice, but then they wanted me to practice sliding, and I refused...just cause i wasn't feeling up to it. So yeah whatever...Coach Nix was trying to make me do it, and I sware she was pissing me off, so I was ignoring her.
Then today, I was still thinking about going to the Softball game...but then I ended up throwing up some more...and was so weak cause I hadn't eaten since thursday...and my hypoglycemia was really kickin in..and i was shaking, so i decided not to go. probably a good decision. but I still was looking forward to hanging out with cheree and kim..and most likely amy. but oh well...we still have more opprotunities to hang out..and have a good time. w/e.
Then Jon stopped by and he brought me flowers...what a sweetie :).
And my mom, shes been taking good care of me..
I like the feeling that some people care so much about me...especially when I'm not feeling well.
I've been sleeping or throwing up all day...so im gona get back to that.
<3.
I dunno...lately I've been thinking about what this guy said to me awhile ago. Its starting to hit me hard... |
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| Why do we TRY so hard when satisfaction is so close? These days its hard enough to breathe... |
[Mar. 5th, 2004|01:26 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sick | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Normal Like You // Patience Is A Virtue | ] |
Ok...so its been a hard last few days...I dunno..I'm just so frustrated...and stressed that its making me sick (like literaly). I just threw up. Today, I haven't been in a really great mood. Everyone is stupid..ugh. This Keith thing is being blown out of proportion. Like today, every other second people were coming up to me, "so when you going to break up with keith?" "Did you break up with him yet?" "Why are you breaking up with him" "DO it, break up with him" Ok seriously..I can understand that people are just trying to look out for me, But still. Its mine and keith's business only. NO ONE ELSES. I'll deal with it when I want to...on my own timing, not any one else's. ugh...its making me sick again.
Softball sucks...like, i hate it a lot. I miss basketball season...and I'm sad to say but I actually miss Coach Morris.
School sucks...and my grades are proof of that. I'm not even trying anymore..I think I should, but ehhh..i just don't feel like it.
Through it all though, the only guy that seems to make me happy is Derek. He's always there for me...like when im stressed, he just takes away all of my fears. and everything...I dont even know how to explain it. Thanks Derek <3.
Ok, I don't know if I'm actually getting sick...like the flu cause Kim,Bre,Coach,and Kelli had the flu recently...or if im just like so stressing myself out right now that It's making me sick...Probably the 2nd one, but I dunno.
Saturday..is the CIF Championship game...we're all going as a team. It kinda sucks to go I think...Cause we have to watch someone else play what we really wanted. The only good I think it will have, is that we get to spend more time together as a team...this is like the last time we'll all be together (besides the banquet). Time is just precious...it goes by so fast...
I think I'm gonna go..Im getting sick again. |
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| So please take this piece of my heart and never let it go... |
[Mar. 1st, 2004|09:34 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | crushed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Best Interest // Piece of My Heart | ] |
Today sucked so bad...I don't even want to mention what happened in it..instead some random things on my mind:
I've learned-
that no matter how bad your heart is broken
the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I've learned-
that our background and circumstances
may have influence who we are
but we are responsible for who we become.
I've learned-
that just because two people argue,
it doesn't mean they don't love each other
and just because they don't argue,
it doesn't mean they do.
I've learned-
that we don't have to change friends
if we understand that friends change
I've learned-
that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a
secret. It could change your life forever.
I've learned-
that two people can look at the exact
same thing and see something totally different.
who agrees? |
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| I can only imagine... |
[Feb. 28th, 2004|10:52 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | grateful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | I can only Imagine // my church worship band :) we rock | ] |
I don't really know how I'm feeling right now. Kinda grateful yet selfish....
Today, Kim, Justine, and I were gona go see The Passion at the cerritos mall, but by the time we got there..It was sold out. So, we got on our cell phones calling movie places to see the times for other theaters...We were going to go to Long Beach Town Center..but thought it would be too crowded..so Justine's mom dropped us off at the Lakewood mall. and but their next show was sold out...so we had to see it at 5:35..but it was only 3:15..so we had to wait in line, since the line was already forming. We had this really cool conversation with the lady waiting behind us. She was really friendly and nice...and after awhile, she saved our spot in line while we all went to the mall..bought some candy and stuff and came back like an hour later. We finally see the movie. I'm just going to say that...it really puts the images in your head. Cause I mean, before id just be like "oh yeah well he died for me" not really thinking of all of what he went through for me...He died...with humiliation and torture. Before the movie had started..i was just joking with justine and I was like "yeah haha..the things we do for Jesus" (because of waiting in line and all that stuff with getting tickets) and after seeing the movie..I had realized, that I don't do enough for Him...I can't even imagine how much He loves me in order for Him to go through that...It just amazes me.
Anyways, after seeing the movie it was like 8 ...Justine's mom dropped Kim and I off at Millikan High School..and we went to the CIF game...it was pretty cool..Kim Kirtz, Emily, James Cole, and Vince were there watching...and we just sat behind them talking and reminiscing about our bball season. and how far away our season feels now...like it was months ago, even though it ended One week ago starting today. Its soo weird.. and we saw One of the girls from the Temecula team crying..and Emily was like "aww I know EXACTLY how she feels"...haha i thought it was really funny when Kim starts making fun of the girl on Millikan's team she was like "GO SHANAYNAY!!!!! GO SHANAYNAY!!!! SHANAYNAY!" hahahhhh it was funny cause Emily was like "SHHHH LOOK AROUND YOU" funny stuff :)
I hear the OOTO show rocked. and I missed it all. Oh well.. Theres always more opprotunities.
<333. |
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| Growing old and living for the moment. You're searching for something you cannot find. |
[Feb. 28th, 2004|10:54 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | anxious | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Rufio // Why Wait? | ] |
I'm being lazy for once. I got up at 7 and I haven't done anything at all this morning. Later on I'm going to the mall with kim and justine and we're gona go see The Passion. Whenever I think about seeing it...it reminds me back of 1st grade. Like in 1st grade, Mrs. Rhodes showed us the movie "Jesus"..and back then is when I realized what a big sacrifice God made for me. Like I thought that movie was gross with all the blood and stuff...I can barely imagine this. All of my ABS boys have seen it, and they all thought it was amazing. I liked the way that Chris described it to me..."HEART BREAKING, YET LIFE CHANGING" I'm kinda anxious to see it.
anyways, Yesterday..was ehhh... school sucked...a lot. Is there such things as second chances? Do you think that people even deserve a second chance? I always thought that they do. A second chance..cause everyone makes mistakes...And if they had a second chance, then they could make it right again. But I don't know... I've started to think that you could give someone a second chance..but they are just gona keep messing it up again. Once they make the mistake, they are gona keep doing it. thats what it seems like..but i don't know.
Well anyways, I went to my KMG's house and we watched Jerry Mcguire :) good movie. and then since most of the boys came over...we went to the beach..just to hang out. it was a lot of fun, but then i lost track of time...and i was late for my curfew. I ended up walking in the door at like 12:45 and my mom didn't seem pissed..but i know she just gets that way when shes REALLY mad. So, I don't know what the punishment is gona be yet. which sucks... I hate having to wait..but shes letting me go to the movies today, so its all good.
THE OOTO SHOW IS TODAY. but I'm not going. one of the first shows im missing. good luck boys. It's weird how like..when they all have girlfriends...they never have time for me anymore. But its totally cool..I totally understand. Its just that I miss hanging out with them sometimes. and I don't know if its being selfish or what...but I wish they would spend more time with me. But it's all good, because you don't always get what you want.
<3. |
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| I miss u so much and I dont know what to say. I should be over you, I should know better... |
[Feb. 25th, 2004|08:26 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | exhausted | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Brian Mcknight // 6,8,12 | ] |
The rain usually makes me happy...but lately its just been depressing. ughghh...
neways... yesterday was totally amazing. one of the best days i have had in like the longest time. School went by pretty smoothly, and then after school I went with Kim Kirtz and we went to the Cerritos mall with Emily Wilson, Amy Wilson, danielle, and steph..lol because emily and kim wanted to get job applications. So we are walkin around the mall just going into like every store and getting applications...we walked out with like a stack so high. BUT, the funniest thing happened while we were at the mall.. haha So we walk into Hollister. and Amy and I start messing around...while we waited for the rest of the other people, and we starting undressing the manikins (sp?).lol it was so funny, so like I undo the girls belt and pants...and then Amy and I walk over to the guy and amy just like pantses him...and we like run away cracking up. cause everyone was watching us. and like the lady that worked there got really pissed...but it was hilarious. Anyways, I had a lot of fun at the game with Ryan and Candice...did lots of reminiscing with Ryan. I miss him...I wish he was back at our school, hes such a cool guy and I miss spending time with him. The boys lost :( which sucks...i felt bad for them...It always sucks when you come to the end of something.. but EVERY NEW BEGINNING COMES FROM SOME OTHERS BEGINNING'S END.
Today, was ehhhh... I was feeling pretty crappy all day, for reasons I can't say. But I feel like I have to hold my feelings in...it sucks, I wish I didn't and I could just let them go...but it would ruin everything.
Softball...gay. I don't know what I got myself into...Mrs. Nicks kinda annoys the crap out of me during practice...I felt like killing myself..(not really) but yeah. Like she talks to you like your some little 1st grader. I Hate it when people are condescending. ughhhhhh.
well i have no homework...none that Im gona do. but im sleepy..so im gona go to bed soon.
<333. |
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| At times I'm part of the madness, sometimes I won't give into you. |
[Feb. 23rd, 2004|08:25 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | worried | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Fefe dobson // Everything | ] |
I've been feeling kinda bad all day...First, because I know that Coach has lied to us. She told us back in November that she was leaving Brethren to stop coaching because she needed to go back to school and spend more time with her family, but in reality..shes leaving for Ocean View..to go coach there. At first it was just a rumor, but now im about 99% sure she is..I'm just upset that she would lie to us..why tell us she was leaving for other reasons? She should just be honest. I really hate liars.
Second of all, I feel bad because I made the softball team..but liek Candice didn't. She was on the team last year, and shes been practicing a lot to be on the team..and i just take her place? I feel bad... she deserves it way more than I do.
Third, I miss basketball already...I went to warrior center today, and was watching the boys play..and like how many times during practice i couldn't wait till it was over..and now i want it back. bball is not going to be the same.
Fourth, I hate drama. and I hate how people blame me for things that I didn't do. I wish people would stay the same, and not change..because when they change..we grow farther apart...I miss my old friends, and how they were before.
Fifth, Its jon's birthday. and I made him feel really badly..on his birthday. I wish I didn't, but i can't take it back now. He means a lot to me...and I just always seem to be making the mistakes lately.
I dont know. I just made a lot of mistakes today..didn't really think things out before I did them, and that always seems to get myself into trouble.
thats it for now.
<333. |
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| Are you afraid of leaving tonight? CAUSE I AM. I'M LOST WITHOUT YOU. |
[Feb. 21st, 2004|10:36 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | indescribable | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Blink 182 // I'm lost without you | ] |
I don't know what to say. I don't even know what im feeling right now. My emotions are soo scattered...I'm crying because I'm sad...but I'm also crying cause I'm mad... I just don't even know.. I can't even put my words together..My thoughts are going everywhere.
We lost the game to Ontario. I think mainly because of bad calls by the refs...that really screwed us over. But, yeah. after the game..everyone went into the locker room and for about 15 minutes everyone sat there crying, without even saying a word. Coach went in the corner and sat..and cried...she finally comes over...she was speechless, just like the rest of us. Everyone was in tears, especially the 5 seniors.. It was their last game of their highschool career. and for coach...it was her last game as a basketball coach for brethren. it was a very emotional time... Finally, Coach tells each and everyone something..advice for the future.. it was soo hard to look into her teary eyes, it just hurt so much. Everyone said a prayer.. and we finally wrapped it up...after an hour of crying. And then I felt like I was saying Goodbye. and I HATE SAYING GOODBYE. Its one of the worst feelings in the world. We finally walk out of the locker room...into what was a packed gym to a gym just filled with applause from all the people who came to watch us play. It was really overwhelming.
Ever since the game ended...i've been asking God "Why?" "Why did He end it so soon?" "Why did it have to end there?" "Why couldn't it be different?" With all of these questions..I've noticed that I was being selfish. God was sooo awesome enough to bless me with EVERY single one of my teamates. And instead of asking why..i should be thanking Him for putting such special people in my life. Just like the thing I see in the locker room everyday "You'll forget the plays, the scores, the opponents...but you'll never forget your teammates". Its so true. The memories will always be on my mind...and I'll never forget the people that helped make them.
It's a sad ending...but like Coach said, "only one team will end without a lose...everyone else will lose too"...I'm going to miss Coach...no matter how much I hated her during season, I always had the utmost respect for her as a coach. She always knew what she was doing...and she ALWAYS wanted what was best for me. I have never had a Coach impact me in such a way...because before I had NEVER been apart of something so great. It was more than a team...it was a family. I'm going to miss everything so much. I just wish it didn't have to end so soon...
sorry for my thoughts being so scattered..I'll write more later when my thoughts are together, i just needed to get that out somewhere.
<333. |
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| Gimme a chance to show ya and a chance to know ya. Just be true and theres nothing I wont do for ya |
[Feb. 21st, 2004|08:53 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sleepy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Chingy // One Call Away | ] |
I haven't updated all week...just because I've been incredibly busy. With basketball...CIF all this week, we won our first playoff game against Fairmont..that game was too easy, it seemed. We have our 2nd round game tonight @ 7:30 vs Ontario Christian...most of their girls are 6' or taller..and that just sucks for us. but, I know we can beat them.
School has been pretty busy lately also.. I've been really stressed with all the work and crap..because after 1st semester, I wasn't really caring about my grades and crap, but now my mom is all on me. Saying I need to try harder. but ehhh i just don't see that happening anytime soon. I have like other priorites that are in front of that...but my priorites are messed up anyways.
well, as of tuesday...im taken. I'm now with keith. I know i wasn't going to go out with him and stuff...but we have been spending a lot of time together, and i've realized how mature he can be. He makes me laugh...and just yeah. Everyone wanted me to go out with him...and i just wasn't sure...but someone gave me this advice "Just go out with him...its only highschool..and if you end up not liking him after awhile, then just break up with him" He knows all of this..and just yeah. Its kinda a confusing situation..maybe i'll write more later about it.
Last night i really wanted to go to the BBALL Game to watch keith play...but i couldn't go cause i had already said i was going to this thing for Chris.. and i had a special "job" or whatever. lol it was fun after all...only because of the people there. but yeah.
I have to go "be active" because Coach says so..lamest thing ever. but yeah.
im out.
<333.
Pray for us in our game tonight!!!! :) |
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| two people can be friends. |
[Feb. 16th, 2004|09:37 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | exhausted | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Greystone // Turtles | ] |
Its been a really long, yet fun weekend... Let's see...
Friday: picked up kim and bree...we went to emily's house and then finally left for the El Capitan..we took two cars. Underclassmen got stuck with coach..eh not that bad but whatever. We got there..Lets just say that there are so many freaks in Hollywood. haha This one guy, he was dressed as..Satan? or something.. a Demon with wings. with yellow eyes and fangs, and whenever you looked at him he would arch his back and hiss at you. okay, it really freaked me out. but anyways... We finally saw MIRACLE and it was kinda sucky..its the typical disney movie..and like you already know the ending..but it drags on..so yeah, during the movie, i fell asleep cause i was bored. eh whatever. then we went out to dinner at Hamburger Hamlet cause it was right there...ate nasty food then finally got on our way home. We got back to emily's, and steph invited me, kim, and bree to spend the night at her house..so we did. And emily, kim kirtz, and all the seniors with their senior boys were having movie night...and we didn't wanna stay for that. lol lets just say steph is sooo cool and we have a lot of fun...the ride home was soo fun :). Then we get to stephs house and we play all these board games and watched movies..then spent the night..bla bla.
Saturday: woke up...went with steph to get donuts and such. just hung around her house. Her mom is the coolest/nicest lady...shes sooo sweet. anyways, finally left and went back to kims house. We didn't really do anything that incredible, cause I dont even remember what we did... oh yeah, bree left and then me and kim went to the movies and watched "50 first dates"..lol i thought it was a cute movie. but oh my god, me and kim left a seat in between us..and we were sitting in like the back row, and there were three ladies in front of us..well during the movie, adam sandler and drew barrymore kiss. and like right when that happend, i saw the two OLD (about 50) KISS...it was seriously so disgusting..i was so shocked, and oh my god. im scared for life. ANYWAYS... went back to Kim's house and we were trying to make plans for that night...her parents were going out for dinner and such. Kim and I wanted the house to ourselves, but we couldn't get her family out...so we ended up going to starbucks with this guy named Victor..and thennn keith wanted me to go to the Warrior Center for their dance that they were putting on. he was mad, cause he "reserved" a table and such..and i didnt really wanna go. but since i was out, i dropped by to see him. lol no one was really there..i felt bad, but whatever. We went home, and kim and I basically did nothing.. we watched movies like Grind and Just Married...and yeah just basically chilled the rest of the night.
Sunday: KIMS BDAY! lol we got up and went to church...and out to lunch...and the whole day everyone was making plans for Kim's party that night...I was in on it, and it was so hard to keep it from her..I've noticed that I tell Kim everythign..and keeping this from her was sooo hard. But anyways, the whole day was pretty chill...just hung out and stuff, was bored...mike came over to wish kim happy birthday...and justine came over too...then finaly it was time for kim's suprise party, we get there...Kim knew the whole time cause she saw the invitation like 3 weeks ago. but its all good. It was pretty fun...haha ALL YOU CAN EAT CHINESE BUFFET..that was ehhhh lol but i had fun hanging out with candice and stephanie, emily, kim kirtz...that was fun. it was so freaking long though...we had to help clean up, that was no fun. Finally we go home...and kim opened presents..and like some stupid JV player kept freaking prank calling..it was annoying as hell but whatever. thenn it was like 1am and we decide to watch Freddy Vs. Jason...not a good idea, i was soo scared even though i wasn't really paying attention. we didnt get to sleep until really late.. but whatever.
Today: had bball practice at 8-10 then parents picked me up later on..and today was a chill day..got home showered and then went out around 2..cause it was Jason's bday and stuff...I was going to go to the TOOTH AND NAIL TOUR. but everyone bailed on me...and then I really didn't want to go. Torrey went..hahahh :)
ok umm that was my weekend...here are some of my thoughts on things:
at bball practice...Coach was telling us how she was glad that she had us see Miracle as a team...all together. because in the movie the coach says "We could play this team 10 times..and 9 out of those 10 times they would beat us. But not today, this one game...we can win it" Thats kinda like us going into CIF..i guess? I have faith in my team...we're gona do it. We made it 2nd in league...PYRAMID HERE WE COME? :) lol.
Valentines day... So it seems like some people think valentines day is a total "hallmark holliday." this is really a matter of perspective. I personally love valentines day, especially if you have a special someone to spend it with.
In my opinion Valentines Day is a good day to show how much you REALLY love a person. it is the perfect day for relationships to be rekindled, and when two people are together for so long, their love starts to fade, but vday is the perfect opportunity to show that one's love for another is still there. Sure people should be loving and affectionate everyday, but valentines day gives us a reason to go out and do something extra special, because lets face it...all those other days are treated like, well, any other day. but this day is different, its something more. and i love it. EVEN THOUGH I DIDN'T HAVE A GUY...I ENJOYED MYSELF :)
My mom yelled at me awhile ago..saying that now all that I'm doing is about ME. and that I'm being selfish. She was saying that I don't ASK to do things anymore, I just tell her what I'm going to do. She doesn't understand that when I make plans..I'm thinking about her and doing stuff or not doing stuff depending on if its easy on her and what not. I was talking to Justine today about it..and she said her mom was doing the same, and its because our moms want us to spend more time with them. And in reality, that makes sense. Lately, my mom has been wanting me to stay home and whatnot..and shes been wanting me to spend time with her. I think maybe she has come to realize that she is too late with my brother...He has already moved out, and doesn't come around much...and she probably regrets not spending enough time with him.. so shes trying to make it up to me while I'm still here? I'm not really sure. But "Honor your mother and father" if you want to live longer :) that was the bible study yesterday....
I was writing in Kim's scrapbook thing.. and i realized.. When I came to brethren, I wasn't expecting anything special. I wanted to keep to myself a lot..and just get through freshman year. Then leave. But, I've realized that everyone at brethren has given me so many memories..and blessed me with more than i deserve. EVERYONE THERE has impacted my life more than I have come to realize..and thats why i stayed another year. And even though I want to leave next year...I'm not sure.. I have opened up with so many people..and have made a lot of friendships...Im thinking about staying. but i dunno...
<333. |
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| So don't apologize. I hope you choke and die. Search your shelf for soemthing which to hang yourself |
[Feb. 13th, 2004|10:06 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | excited | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Brand New // Seventy Times Seven | ] |
Yesterday was amazingly fun. School went by pretty quickly...and it was an average day except for the extra candy and crap..but yeah. after school we had to go to the gym immediately to take pictures...when we got there, coach was in SUCH a pissy mood that i thought the rest of the day was going to be miserable.. but i think she was just stressed and stuff because stuff wasn't going the way she had planned but its all good. After we take pics, we go get somethin to eat..come back and get dressed and crap. we had to do that stupid parent thing..it was really cheesy, but whatever. and thenn we won our game. It was a lot of fun.. the game wasn't stressful or anything. it was all laid back, which was a good way to end league. Well, the underclassmen (me, bree, kim, danielle, and naala) all got together because we wanted to do something special for our seniors...being that it was their last league game of their high school career. So, we all got each of them a present.. and after the game we gave it to them. They were really touched to see that we would do soemthing like that for them. And i'm glad...it was a good feeling.
The rest of the night was pretty good..I had a good time talking with judy, and sally made me laugh..like no other. can't really say the thing she told me...cause its kinda rated R so yeah. but that girl..oh my lol
Excited for the weekend to come.. its just lol yeah...gona hang out alll weekend.
today movies with the team...like my favorite people to hang out with :)
and boys..ugh they piss me off so much. only a few really know the way to my heart<3 some of them...i just wanna UKGHE TY* E&T kick their butts.
im out.
<3333. |
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| And now we will find our way, The way that we find this day. And I know you belong to me. |
[Feb. 11th, 2004|09:16 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | hopeful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Number One Gun // On and On | ] |
Haven't updated in awhile. nothing really new. Basketball...almost over. Last league game is tomorrow, but we already qualify for CIF so...its not officially over tomorrow. Tomorrow is Senior's Night and Parent Recognition Night..All five seniors start anddddd our parents are going to be there. its gay..i know..but eh what do you expect? its brethren christian :)
Its so bittersweet...Im glad bball is kinda over, cause it has taken over my life..but yet, im sad to see it go. It just means that the seniors are closer to leaving...and I really don't want to see them go. They are soo cool, and I have SUCH a good time hanging out with them.
Tomorrow last day of the week for school. then a four day weekend. can't wait.
Friday I already have plans..because varsity bball is going to hollywood..the el capitan theater and seeing MIRACLE. ( not a miracle..but MIRACLE the movie lol) and then we are going out to dinner to some place that emily, kim, and all the seniors think is the greatest place on earth. Its some place where people stand on the tables and dance...and they're rude...and they eat your food.. I personally don't think it will be that great, but knowing who I'll be hanging out with I know i'll enjoy myself.
Then after that...I'll be spending my valentine's day weekend with my one and only.
We're going to have lots of fun...its ALLLLLLLLL weekend. :) we'll probably get so sick of each other, but hey i'll have fun in the mean time
anyways...
I'm really upset w/ Jon. He knows that too. I don't know...Boys, all they seem to do is lie. No one is fully truthful and honest...but still, how come the guys always closest to me have to lie soo much? Liars..are the worst. I hate them more than anything. If you can't by true to your word, then don't even bother. I dunno..when i finally meet a guy who won't lie to me, I'll know I have met the man of my dreams. <3.
<333.
ashley, I love you. |
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| one more thing. |
[Feb. 8th, 2004|10:07 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Blink 182 // I'm lost without you | ] |
Greatest thing I learned today: Sit back and look at what you have. Whether it be a girl/guy or a house/car.. and really think about how much these things mean to you... Think back about what happiness and joy this person or thing has brought to you... Do you thank it enough? Do you take care of it? Do you let it know how much it means to you? Do you make sure this thing feels appreciated.....
the greatest thing in life is to love and be loved in return...
<333. |
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| Theres a piece of you that's here with me. Its everywhere I go. Its everthing I see. |
[Feb. 8th, 2004|09:15 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | melancholy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Yellowcard // Ocean Avenue | ] |
Things are tough. But they seem to be getting better. I've been reading my bible so much lately...looking for some type of comfort. I finally came across 1 Thessalonians 4:13...it reminds me that as a Christian that I shouldn't grieve "like the rest of men, who have no hope." God has given me hope. and this hope is me being SURE about something for which I have to wait. I know that what I hope for will happen because God has promised it. One day I will be with Ashley again. Until then..I have hope.
I spoke today at church on behalf of Ashley. It was really hard on me...I cried and at one point thought I couldn't go on, but for some reason..with the support of my friends there and this peace that God had given me, I was able to go on with my speech.
on another note, Family life isn't too hott. Ever since my brother moved out, I knew things would change and I would enjoy the more freedom i would have gotten..but I dont know. I never talk to my dad anymore. and Living here with my step dad and mom.. its weird. im on my alone a lot now. its different, and i was enjoying it at first..but I dont think I like it as much anymore. No one is ever home..and it just sucks i guess...its hard to explain.
I went to the spec today with my mom...we went out to dinner...and then i realized that greystone was playing at sing sing with tomorrow's end. so i went over to check it out. the boys did pretty well..i like their style.
Prayer works miracles.
<333. |
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